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Monday, June 8, 2015

Living a Life Without Fear!

Wow!, It's been months since I've written on my blog, I looked and the last time was in December 2014!  That's way too long.  It's not only fun sharing on here with you all, but writing in a journal style format is very therapuetic.

I'm known for saying "Craft Without Fear", but who I am goes deeper then that.  I live a life without fear as well.  Some of you will most likely understand that immediately and some of you may not.  I've decided to share a good majority of my life story here in hope of benefiting at least one person to move past a place they may be stuck in.

Most of you know me as someone who lives this really nice life.  I have not been shy about sharing that we are living our dream in our new home with plenty of land around it.  Mike is running his business rather then setting tile and hanging marble every day, and we have a dog that is loved by more people then I'll ever know.  It's all perfect right?  Or is it?  Well, I'm going to uncover it all for you and share how I really got here, going back to my childhood.  I've lived far from a perfect life.  There was no silver spoon.  I got where I am today by making choices, and most importantly not letting what anyone else (including family) has to say define who I am, or who I have chosen to become.

I often think I'm viewed quite different from what is my reality.  After you read what I plan to share, I promise you'll look at me entirely different, and I hope it gives you more hope and strength then you ever had before, if you need it.   One very important thing I want to say - please don't read this and feel sorry for me.  I don't feel sorry for me, in fact I feel the things that happened in my life taught me I had choices.

I am the daughter of a couple who were high school sweethearts.  My father was one year older then my mother and waited for her to graduate high school so they could get married.  They were married right after her graduation.  The year was 1959.  College was just not considered important.  My mother really had no intention of working and my father felt he just needed to work hard and he would succeed.  Before I can remember they rented an apartment, then a home, then in 1961 I arrived in this world.  Shortly thereafter they bought their first home.  For a young couple it was in a very nice neighborhood and was a charming 2 bedroom brick bungalow style home in the suburbs of St. Louis.  Grandparents lived within blocks away, so it was perfect....kind of.  My first memories start when I was about 4.  It was at that point the marriage had fallen apart and my Dad was moving out.  I have a few memories of him living with us, but they are very few.  I mostly remember my sadness of him moving away and telling me he would see me every weekend.  I have a very clear memory of the guy across the street moving in with us within days of my Dad moving out.  I remember thinking, well, I guess this is how it works, one Dad moves out and a replacement Dad moves in.  I think we lived alone for about 3 days.  His name was Butch.

Of course you've all figured out my Mom was having an affair with him, which is what broke the marriage to my Dad.  I've been told the background on it all, but it's nothing you all haven't heard before.  I think the only interesting details are that he was still in high school and graduated just before their marriage ended, and the other detail is - he is to the best of my kowledge still married to my Mom.   He was nice enough, so I didn't really feel bothered by him.  Then one day they picked me up from Kindergarten, I was 5 at the time, and in the car on the way home they told me they had gone over to IL and gotten married.  I didn't believe them, but it was true.

Over the years I learned more and more about the years I was too young to remember.  But this is where it starts for me.  My first memories were heart breaking.  I remember my Dad coming over to show me a new car he had purchased.  I was so young I just didn't understand why he couldn't stay any more.  It made me so sad that he was only there to show me his car, I wanted him to stay so badly.  My Mom was a cold person and very self centered, so I was lonely.  To this day I can remember watching his car pull out of the driveway and leave.

Live went on and I visited my Dad every weekent just like he promised.  Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy though.  My Mom made it almost impossible.  She did some things that give wrong a whole new meaning....

I need to go to bed, it's very late, so I will pick up very soon and continue on....

4 comments :

  1. Love reading your blog! And the cliffhanger! Made me catch my breath. You have a gift girl.

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  2. Jane, you have such a gift for the written word! Thank you for sharing so that we can get to know you better. Until next time, all the best.

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  3. I'm so glad you're writing again as I enjoy your blog so much. You're still really good with the cliffhangers, they make it hard to wait for the next installment. I remember so well waiting patiently for the next Sunday to come during your Alaska adventure. You really have a true gift with the written word. Looking forward to the next part!

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  4. It is nice to see you writing on your blog again Jane! Sounds like we have had similar upbringings. I never wanted people to feel sorry for me either, as it has made me who I am today. I anxiously await for more of your story! Hugs, Brenda

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